They Know What’s Best For Them

I came out as gay to my parents when I was 13. At that time, I had every intention of following the family religion (Mormonism) and marrying a woman. I came out to them a second time at the age of 24, after years of failed relationships with women, letting them know I was going to date whomever my heart was drawn to, even if it was a man. Two years later and I’m recently happily married to my husband.

For my parents, the second coming out was much worse than the first. They felt like they failed in some way as parents because I was deviating from the structure they had taught me was the only true way to be happy in this life and the next. My request for parents who may feel similarly to mine is to have discovery conversations with your child. No advice, no opinions, no judgement, no leading questions, no passive aggression. Just discovery fueled by genuine curiosity. You’ll probably be astounded at their insights.

You’ll realize that they still have the same foundation that you gave them, even if the structure built on it looks different from yours. You’ll find that they’re still using the principles and tools you taught them to use to find happiness. Best of all, you’ll let them know that you do care about their opinions and perspective. Please trust your kid to intuitively know what the best path for their life is. You raised them with skills to think critically, to listen to their heart, to be a good person, and to realize a mistake if they make one.

Having an LGBTQ+ child does not mean you failed in any way as a parent.

In fact, it means you raised them to be brave and confident enough in who they are and their intrinsic worth that they feel able to share the most vulnerable parts of themselves. If you are religious and raised your child to know God’s will for them, have faith that they are still following divine guidance the best they can.

I wish I could have conversations like that with my parents without them feeling like it’s their God-required duty to remind me of their standards and what points they disagree with. I think they would come away with a deep understanding that they did a good job as parents, and that our similarities far outweigh our differences.

We Hear Every Word

You may not be speaking directly to someone, you may not even be talking about anything that directly applies to them, but highly vulnerable individuals are looking for any and every clue that someone is safe to open up to. As an example, I had a friend who recently posted about her belief that assigned gender is a permanently defining part of divine identity, and to go against it is to go against God.

Now, I am not transgender, and she didn’t say anything about being gay, but my vulnerable self made a mental note that she would not be a safe person to come out to. I think if I had taken the time to privately come out to my friend as gay she would have quickly reminded me how much she loves me and wants me to be happy. I’m pretty sure it would have been okay. But back when I was terrified of rejection, the risk of her thinking about my homosexuality in a similar way to a transgender person “abandoning their divine identity” was too great.

I didn’t come out to her in person when I otherwise would have. Passing comments made by family members, such as an uncle making a mildly homophobic joke or an older sister criticizing LGBT stereotypes, can be especially damaging. While it may seem unfair, a simple comment like that can be remembered for years and be the reason your relative doesn’t feel safe opening up to you. Please be aware that so many are silently struggling to find a place safe enough to come out. Please speak up for LGBTQ+ individuals, even when comments don’t intend harm.

It will do so much good, but perhaps most importantly, it will show those around you that you are a safe place and an ally for someone who is unsure of anywhere else to go.

Reminders Where We Need It Most

Some of the most difficult moments in my life have come from reading through comments of polarizing posts on Facebook. Especially living in the socially conservative South, and being part of the Mormon church that implements policies that “other”ize LGBTQ+ individuals.

It hurt to read that so many people I knew and loved supported ideas like opposing the legalization of gay marriage, forcing trans people to use the bathroom of their assigned gender, and wanting to restrict immigration opportunities. The arguments have not always applied directly to my situation as a cis, gay, white male, but they showed that these people weren’t interested in opening their hearts to additional understanding, and would instead fight to keep the comfort of the familiar at the expense of a minority.

With each comment praising the post and viewpoints, my heart would hurt more and more, until I felt totally alone, totally helpless for others, or both. You may try arguing an opposing viewpoint on these types of posts. I’ve seen this work very rarely, but it is one approach.

Sadly, social media is not a thing people use to increase their understanding. I think a more productive approach would be to leave comments directed at those LGBTQ+ and other minority individuals who are helplessly reading through the comments like I many times was. Address them and let them know you recognize they probably feel alone, that it must be difficult to read the the other comments.

Tell them that you are an ally who is there for them if they need it, and remind them that there are so many others like yourself. Let’s put reminders that a person is loved and accepted in the places where they need to hear it most.