To Identify or Not Identify: Navigating Labels

If we had to identify what the “+” in LGBTQ+ meant, our five letter acronym would end up using nearly every letter in the alphabet. Don’t think that’s possible? Sam Killerman, creator of “It’s Pronounced Metrosexual”, says their E-Book ‘Defining LGBTQ+’ is still a work in progress–and it already has 10,000 terms.

For some, choosing a term to identify with is easy. For others, it takes a handful of tries–which can be exciting! Yet sometimes, when a queer individual shifts to a new term or name they identify with more, well-meaning loved ones use it as evidence to question their self-awareness. But it’s our self-awareness that is driving the search in the first place! Perhaps this unhealthy pressure of permanence is what causes some to reject labels all together.

I fall into that rejecting category. Usually when I introduce myself, leading with my labels, no further questions are asked about my experience. At times, it’s not a big deal. At other times I can see the unspoken assumptions being checked off in their “knowing nod” and I kind of stress out. Without sharing my story, can I be sure that their assumptions about the label are true to my experience?

Despite my discomfort with labels, I know there are benefits. So in deciding how I would write my bio at the end of this article, I decided to write my own pros and cons list for identifying with a label.

Pros of identifying with a specific label:

1. Conversation! It’s healthy to talk about these things

2. Laws, education and perceptions can improve

3. Funding and research can target previously unseen populations

4. Community and connection (I’m not alone)

5. It’s pretty informative when it comes to dating and relationships

6. Sometimes I don’t want to give a long explanation

7. It can be liberating to others

Cons of identifying with a specific label:

1. People assume things about me without asking for my story

2. The entire definition of the word may not align with my experience

3. This can make me an “other” (even among other queer people)

4. There is pressure to perform, appear, or fit into a group

5. Discrimination is a thing

6. Are all these individualized identities hurting the overall queer movement?

I’ll admit it was actually a label that led me to knowing my own sexuality and orientation better. At a storytelling event, a friend shared a personal experience about how meaningful it was for them when they discovered a term they had never heard before: demisexual.

It was the first time I had heard the term, and this new friend not only offered a definition, but something more valuable: a story of what it was like for them to be demisexual and how that term described things they had not previously been able to articulate. They went into what applied to them and what did not. My attention sparked, “That sounds like me.” And so I did my own research. To make a long story short, I learned things within my own self I had been completely unconscious of. My head was reeling.

Thankfully, representatives from Encircle were in my neighborhood, giving a presentation on the organization. I went and met someone who was out, grounded in who they were, and thriving. In the midst of their vulnerable sharing, I couldn’t help but share the raw experience I was wading through as well. Then they told me something that brought me great peace.

Encircle rep: “You don’t have to choose a label now, or ever. Just take your time.”

Me: I don’t!?

Friends, let me tell you, a pressure I didn’t realize I had carried, just melted.

I was still determined to understand who I was. But I now felt permission to be gentle with myself. I now felt like I was in control of my timing, my journey, my labels and identity.

In your conversations about these labels, try asking these questions:

1. Without naming a term, how would you define your sexuality and orientation?

2. Now that you have an explanation based on your personal experience, what terms do resonate?

3. What aspect of the definition fits your experience?

4. Is there anything that doesn’t fit?

Hopefully these questions and links help you with your research and discoveries. Remember, it’s not a race. Take your time and enjoy it!

Check out Encircle’s Elevate blog and videos to hear stories of how other individuals journeyed into knowing themselves.

About the Author

Camlyn identifies as queer and is attracted to a specific kind of heart and connection. She has a passion for storytelling, the arts, education, community, and learning from a diverse array of spiritual traditions.