6 Things to Say When Your Kid Comes Out
My son knew he was gay when he was five years old. He sat with that until he came out to me when he was 13 years old. I didn’t see it coming, and didn’t have an inkling that he was gay before that moment. When he asked, “why am I gay?” all I could think to say was, “I don’t know…” He opened up to me in such a tender, vulnerable way, exposing what he thought might be a deal-breaker on my love for him, and all I could think to say was, “I don’t know”!? What I also didn’t know was that he was terrified that I would kick him out, stop loving him, be disappointed in him, or think he was broken and needed to be “fixed.”
I was so taken back, that trying to come up with something to say to comfort him was frankly one of the last things I was thinking about, but was one of the most important.
He was still the same incredible person he had been ten minutes before he came out. The only difference was now I had more information. The question was what I would do with that information. Use it as a weapon or an opportunity to remind him once again how our religious tradition viewed homosexual behavior? Or would I take a moment (or hours, or even days if needed) to just breathe, and not feel like I had to have an answer to every question right now? Because it’s really OK to just breathe. And it’s really OK to say,
I love you, and I always will!
We are in this together, and I will be beside you every step of the way because you are important to me.
I will always choose you
This is hard for me, and I’m willing to do hard things as your parent because I love you
I need time to process this. I want to talk more about this with you because I love you.
I’m honored that you trust me enough to share such significant things with me
Your initial response when/if your kid comes out may have the power to enrich and strengthen your relationship, or, it may create painful memories that will likely need to be worked through. These phrases, and more, can be found in A Parent’s Guide: When Kids Come Out
If, like me, it’s too late to go back and have a do-over, don’t beat yourself up over it. Oprah says, “when you know better, you do better.” Maybe things were bumpy in the beginning (or even ROCKY), but there’s time now to build bridges of understanding and to strengthen relationships. The most important thing I’ve learned is that I don’t have to fully understand to LOVE. Loving is easy. Love your kid. Just love them. And show it in tangible ways.
About the Author
Donna Showalter is personally interested in ensuring every LGBTQ+ individual and family feels supported and loved within their community. Donna is a graduate of Brigham Young University with a degree in Landscape Management & Design with an emphasis in Sign Language Interpretation. She is a mother of four wonderful children and currently lives in Provo, Utah. Donna prefers the pronouns She/Her.
